Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Just Remembering.....

2-17-1999
I remember standing in the hospital cafeteria and looking out over the interstate.
The rain pelted away at the buildings outside and sheets of water cascaded down the window I stared at.
It was cold outside.
I was numb inside.

This particular day I felt empty and alone.

The cars on the interstate were oblivious to our circumstances. That made me mad.

How could they go on with their life, when my was seemingly falling apart? How could they act as if there was not the most beautiful baby girl struggling for every breath in this very hospital?
Why didn't the world just stop until she got better?

People chattered and laughed all around me.
I didn't hear them.

I only heard the echoes of the doctors' voices.
"Cancer" "Lung Failure" "Kidney problems" "Down Syndrome"
~and most of that was the good news.
The bad news?
"I just don't see how she can make it. Her longs are too small. Her heart is too overworked."

The question that rang through my mind that day was a simple, "why?"

Why would God have that tiny baby girl go through so much pain?
I know He didn't cause it, but why did He allow it?

I walked away from the cafeteria window.
I sat at the table.
I faked a weak smile as my wonderful husband brought the tray of food. A single tear fell from my down my cheek.

We didn't exchange words but our eyes locked and volumes were spoken.
"I'm not feeling so chipper today. My faith has hit rock bottom and I just simply don't like this situation."

He reached over. Grabbed my hand and squeezed.

Silence.
We ate. More like, we chewed and swallowed.

There may have been silence, but I knew what was happening. Every spiritual being in the place knew also.

My husband, as he chewed and swallowed, was interceding on my behalf.
He asked the Creator of the Universe to strengthen me that moment, to send His Spirit to comfort me, to be the lifter of my head. He asked that the seed of the Word of God that had been planted in my heart bring forth a harvest of faith and hope.

I chewed and swallowed.
To those around us, nothing changed.
We chewed.
We swallowed.
We sat in silence.

But, my faith was being lifted. My baby's circumstance had not changed. But the thick cloud of self-pity and suffocating vapor of hopelessness was being lifted.

Hope emerged.
Trust sprang forward.
Faith leaped.

I looked toward the window at the rain.

It was time to go see my baby girl.
She was fighting for her life in NICU. ~ But she wouldn't fight alone.

______________________________________________________________

8-27-2008 Today

I rushed out the door today to go to our local clothing store.

My baby girl had to have tennis shoes today for PE (not recess anymore, but Physical Education at elementary school!). She put her perfectly good Nikes on before school~ well, she tried to put her perfectly good Nikes on, but she couldn't get her foot in them.

Mom! I have to tennis shoes today for PE!

Okay, I will bring some to the school~ before 10:15 at PE.

Frustration.
Don't have time.
Why today?

As I drive out of the parking lot with the pretty pink and silver new Nikes beside me, I smile. Just then, I think:

I have a 9 year old little girl who needs tennis shoes for P.E.!!!!

It's one of those "ahaaaaa" moments.
I am so thankful!
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God is a good God. My heart breaks for the parents whose children are in the arms of Jesus. All I know is that He is Sovereign. He knows what is best and He is no respecter of persons.

Pray for those that need encouragement today. Lift their names up to the Creator.
Don't let them fight alone.

:)
blessings,
dorinda

6 comments:

Tina said...

Dorinda, I really enjoyed reading your thoughts. You have such a way with words. Let me know when you are going to write that book.

Love Ya,

Tina

Pastor Rusty said...

Wow! That was one of the most powerful things that I have read in a while. It took me back to the exact moment you are talking about. I sit here in my office now waiting with excitment to see our little miracle girl. I love you Dorinda, and thank you for being who you are!

Rusty

Tina Barton said...

Dorinda,

Oh, how well I remember thinking those exact same thoughts when our twins were born with so many problems, and the doctors not giving us much hope. The very same thoughts entered my mind...how can strangers around us laugh, how can life go on? But it did... and God gave us comfort and strength to get through it.
Thanks for sharing your heart... I needed to be reminded of this today. Love ya, Tina B.

Cindy said...

I have walked in those shoes. In fact I just posted a similar type of post a few days ago about our son.
We serve a powerful God.

Anonymous said...

Oh WOW is all I can say..... That just gave me chill bumps at the awesomeness of God!!! WOW!!!!!! To put it into those words and say it like that...WOW!!!!!

Jennifer said...

I have shared that same moment and feeling when Brandon was in the hospital following his car wreck...not as much life threatening but everyone else's life went on. The time that stands out the most for me was when my daddy was in the hospital, battling cancer and in the moment we knew he was dying...our last moment to see him alive and the days that followed. So much pain, disbelief and anger that life was going on for everyone else.

God is good and He is faithful...ALL THE TIME!