Fine on the outside.
What he didn't hear was the sound of her heart breaking in two- the crushing of all her emotions as they nearly suffocated her.
Why, God?!!! Why again?!!!
Each month, as the realization hit her, that life was not in her womb, her heart ripped a little more. The once happy desire for a child, was now turning into a dark despair that threatened her every breath. Her heart was broken in two. It didn't seem to matter that her husband loved her with his every breath. She could not have the one thing she desired the most.
The longing for a child was consuming her.
She had a broken heart, and no one could put it back together again.
So, she thought.......................
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
I read the verse. My heart quickened. My breathing became short and shallow. It was if God was in the very room with me. He whispered hope in my ear.
Because I was brokenhearted, He was close.
I closed my eyes.
He whispered His presence into my soul.
"I am close."
"I am here," He said.
The light of His presence illuminated the very pit of despair that had become so familiar! Hope and peace burst through my self-pity.
Suddenly, I desired something different. I desired His presence. That was what I wanted more than anything!
More than anything, I longed for His presence, His nearness, His closeness.
Yes, I still desired and longed for a baby to cradle in my embrace, but as of that moment, when He came near, I was able to trust in Him and His timing.
Such a simple word, yet so hard to achieve. Why had it taken me so long to get to the point of trusting Him? Was it not possible to trust Him before? Or had I just been too consumed with what I wanted?
As He whispered His nearness into my heart, I came to a fresh realization that gripped me with fear! I would have to put my desire for a baby from my womb at His feet.
Could I do that?
Could I give up the one desire that I had held for so long?
Would I trust Him with my whole heart?
Again, He whispered His nearness into my heart. I was brokenhearted, but because of that He was near!
His presence meant healing!
His presence meant restoration!
Slowly, as the shadows of time moved forward and as the pages on the calendar fell to the floor, I let go of my longing, my desire. It was as if I was giving up my hope for a baby at the same time, but if He wanted that longing, that desire, then I must freely give it to Him.
I gave, not out of a broken heart, but out of a trusting heart. The trust didn't appear instantly. Each day I learned a little more how to trust Him. Each day brought a new way to release that desire from my clenched hand.
I had to be willing let go of everything. I had to be willing to not ever have a child. I had to be willing to be barren - forever - if that is what He wanted.
I thanked Him for being God - regardless of my situation.
Was I a spiritual saint? No way!
I just wanted Him more than I wanted anything else.
Allowing Him to have the final say so, regardless of what I think.
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
(I liked the last part of that verse! Then I read this:)
He - God in heaven -
"who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."
Regardless, He would satisfy my desire with something good.
I still trust.
Did I ever doubt?
Do I still doubt?
Sad to say, but yes.
Do I trust?
What about you?
What are you holding in your clenched fist? What is it that you don't want to let go of?
Is your heart broken?
Let Him draw near to you.
Let Him whisper His closeness in your heart.
Let Him satisfy your desires with good things.
He will give you the blessings of a broken heart.
Love you all!